Certified fact – Hans Himmel Goober is a strange German! But are Lelli Kelly shoes more like Ginger Beer or Ginger Ale?

Ginger Beer and Ginger Ale are two very different things. One is a nice sufficient drink that, if analysed, is a little bland and non offensive. The other is fiery, flavoursome and distinctly feisty – but how is this all relevant to Lelli Kelly shoes I hear you ask?
In my defence I have only just started, so please bear with me while I make my case as swiftly, efficiently and conclusively as a lawyer with a suitcase doubling as a hamster cage.
Ginger Beer is potent stuff.
It is spicy, confident, full of character and if required, it could put hairs on the chest of a Russian mob boss. Not only is it a more advanced and edgy version of Ginger Ale – it isn’t dry, wimpy or Canadian. And in much the same way, the makers of run of the mill shoes for primary aged girls have a much feistier, dominant competitor on their hands in the form of Lelli Kelly.
Lelli Kelly shoes are not ze average, safe, palatable option for little girls’, says Hans Himmel Goober, purveyor of assorted knick knacks and finery at Purveyors of Assorted Knick Knacks and Finery Ltd.
Mr Goober, whose expertise on little girl’s shoes ranges from ones with little frilly finishings and embossed butterflies to ones with buckles, bows and a brilliantly bright buff – has pranced his way around the world giving high profile talks to purchasers at some of the worlds finest outletters; and ‘never’, he repeats ‘never’ has he seen a brand so ‘spim dam dingle danglingly diligent, ven it comes to producing slap dang diddly darn dazzling diddlums for ze footily-doo’s of zeez little girls.’
If you can imagine a heavily accented German man who comes across as something of a Ned Flanders, you’re certainly not on the wrong track.
Spotting the opportunity to have a little fun with him and pinching myself so I didn’t giggle like a little girl, I asked a suitably leading question to the response of.‘Vell of course zey are wery vell suit diddly uited to ze vet veather on veekends avay.’
The fun times continued
‘Vhy of course ze wishous wishous will-diddly-illains vill wiolate warehouses to get zair grub-dubbily-ubby hands on zose sings, but zis hass nussing to do viz ze Ginger Beer and Lelli Kelly shoes ve vere here diddly ere to talk about.’
Remembering myself, I ceased teasing the immigrant entrepreneur slash youth feminine shoe and light beverage expert and resumed mining him for similarities in these seemingly different products.
Zey are boce zestily cute and fero-diddly-ociously girly as zey are full of all zair edgy characterino. Vair Ginger Ale and ze ordinary shoe for ze school age girls are as predictable as vet veather on veekends avay – Ginger Beer and Lelli Kelly are hotter property zan wiener schnitzel und hefe weisen in Bavaria.’
‘Und das ist gut’ he adds.
So unless I’m very much mistaken, it’s as conclusive as the words ‘The End’ in all of their nine hundred and sixty one contexts – Ginger Beer and Lelli Kelly shoes are one and the same. Zanier than an hour with Hans Himmel Goober himself, more outlandish than a German Ned Flanders who happens to be wearing little girls shoes and stroking your leg and as whacky as me with the umbrella I found at arms reach as said violation began.
So while they share many quirky similarities Ginger Beer and Lelli Kelly shoes should never be combined by German men.